Craig’s Tall Tales | Behind the Unique Picture Frames

Diamond Willow Frame 8×10

This rather unusual picture frame was made with so much love that it will melt if exposed to direct sunlight for any  length of time.

Just kidding. It is made entirely from wood.

The wood is from a beaver dam I ran into with my “pirate ship”, while out cruising for damsels.

Another favorite among the more unique picture frames. This diamond willow wood frame actually sounds really good when you bang on it with a frozen wiener.

You know what else sounds good when you bang on it? A drum!

Actually, my drumming style has been likened (by me) to, “Blistering, ear-spanking thunder-bombs, slamming thru your skull like a barrage of rapid-fire sledgehammers tempered in the fires of Mordor, yet with the textured finesse and artful nuance of an octopus doing Tai Chi.“

Driftwood Picture Frame 6×8

This is a favorite driftwood frame.

I ran out of sand paper halfway through finishing this one, and had to rub the wood against a speaker playing a recording of a Bonnie Tyler song.

I might start putting a “Made in Canada” tag on these, just so nobody would suspect they just grow wild, in somewhere like Kathmandu, or Arkansas.

Actually, the wood in this and a couple other of my particularly unique picture frames was imported from a country that only I know about.

8×12 Custom Wood Frame- Driftwood

Burned out table saw motors affect everyone.

Please. Make a difference.

Think of the children…!!!

8×12 Custom Wood Frame – Root Wood

I really liked this root wood frame and have a photo of my beloved pet baby that would have looked great in it.

I wasn’t going to sell it, but I was forced at gun-point by a cult called Illegal Norwegian Nihilist Vegan Introverted Cross-dressers (Or “INNVIC) to sell it to them – at a discount, no less!

Very Unique Picture Frames – Driftwood 5×7

The wood from which this particularly unusual wood photo frame was made came from a tree near an old fire hall that partially burnt down, before it became driftwood.

Ok, not really, but wouldn’t that be ironic?

Yes it would, Alanis Morrissette, unlike anything in your song. 

By the way, the most excellently ironic thing that ever happened to me was tripping over a danger sign. That is ironic!

Okay, but get this: I was walking through a hospital at the time! 

That actually is a true story.

Custom Wood Frames – 8×10

The wood in this custom wood frame is from Cochrane, Alberta, where I once lived.

Actually, I five-times lived there. It kept sucking me back.

On a totally unrelated note, I would like to take this time to say hello to Jesus.

Willow Wood Frame 11×14

It was stolen from my shop, and fortunately, I was able (through a bit of investigative gleaning) to deduce who the thief was. This is because as well as being an artisan, photographer, creek pirate, Samurai warrior and fighter jet pilot, I am also a (not-so)-certified private detective. And, with the aid of a fake, but very real looking water pistol (that’s right, it wasn’t even a real water pistol, but it looked like a real .44 Magnum), I was able to “re-claim” this particular frame.

Dark Wood Frame 8×10

This driftwood frame was extremely special to me.

I forget why…

A building on the beach from which the wood for this frame was harvested once housed a very secret and special species of animal. It’s breeders paired up–believe it or not–a sea lion… and a chicken.

The animal was bred for it’s meat, but ironically, unlike most weird meats, it tasted nothing like chicken.

Nor did it taste like sea lion. In fact, it had a flavor much like pygmy marmoset, which, as you know, is delicious, but a little greasy.

Peruse a gallery of a few of Craig’s favorite unique picture frames here.

Natural Willow Wood Photo Frame 5×7

I recently found out that using a chainsaw left-handed (they only make right-handed ones, strangely) is EXTREMELY dangerous.

WOW. To think of all those hundreds of times I nearly shredded myself into a pile of bloody carnage, or cut a bunch of passers-by’s heads off!!

Dark Driftwood Frame 5×7

A couple years ago, I was smack in the middle of fighting pirates on the mighty Fraser River in Western British Columbia, when I reached for a soggy, grey stock of wood as the only thing within my reach to replace the sword knocked out of my hand by the last remaining salty, one-eyed sea-bandit I hadn’t sent overboard, crying.

He had his own steely, gleaming weapon poised at my jugular, foot pressed against my chest, growling raucously down at me the word “ARE!”.

I managed to retort with a hoarsely discordant, “ARE NOT!!” and whacked him over the head with the very piece of wood that the unusual picture frame you are looking at was made from, knocking him overboard and saving the lovely damsel-maiden who happened to be there and in some kind of distress.

Together, we returned all of the plunder that I had stolen to the townspeople , and lived blissfully-ever-onward, intermittently, before it all went bitterly sideways and now I am alone, penniless and desperately bitter.

I am presently hoping to get hit by a bus, or contract some kind of painless, but terminal disease.

5×7 Picture Frame – Diamond Willow Wood

My ex-dog (murdered by my ex-wife) once seemed to suggest that I refer to the wood in these frames as “Re-purposed”.

She seemed to say, “…because it’s purpose used to be to hold leaves, but now it is to hold pictures”.

What a weirdo. Good riddance.

I know it sounds very unlikely, but I nearly glued my cat to a Jehovah’s Witness while assembling this very unusual wood frame.

I have got to learn to be more careful…

King Kong is excitedly hanging off of this one, if you squint a bit.

Another Unique Root Wood Frame 8×10

You won’t believe it, but this root wood frame, along with a couple other of my more unique shaped picture frames, was built completely by accident.

This weird root wood frame looks like it was made out of the stuff Stretch Armstrong was made from, and somebody was anxiously holding it while being forced to listen to a Celine Dion song.

I love this frame.

It was initially appraised at 122,999.oo, but I had to reduce the price nearly a thousand per cent, before it finally sold.

Stupid communism.

Real Barn Wood 8×10 Picture Frame

I try to use natural, environmentally friendly materials whenever possible. This frame was made partially out of soy and stained with recycled rhubarb juice.

The wood in this particular custom wood frame is often referred to as “Barn wood”. It obviously comes from Barn wood trees, but are they called that because they grow near barns, or something?

Well anyway, who cares.

Red Wood Live Edge Frame 8×10

No animals were harmed during the making of any of these unique wood picture frames, including this one. …Unless you consider children animals, and want to count the probable mental trauma the neighbors’ kids suffered, as a result of all my profane screaming and hollering.

Oh, and chasing them down the street with a 2×4.

They were bothering me while I was trying to work, what do you want?!

They’re fine.

Handmade Wooden Picture Frames – Driftwood 8×12

Again, I always try to be as environmentally conscious as possible in the crafting of these handmade natural wooden picture frames. For instance, I imagined eating crickets for a second while working on this one. Then a nearby cow burped and reminded me that I still had a half-eaten cheeseburger in the fridge.

Also, this frame was sanded with the face of an unshaven neo-hippie, and stained with that Ocasio Cortez girl’s bulls*#t.

All three of the obligatory fluids of noble drudgery were secreted while fashioning another driftwood frame (not this particular 8×10 frame – I just like this one better):

Blood, sweat and tears were all secreted that day.

Blood, because I stabbed myself in the thumb with a chisel.

Sweat, simply because it was July in the Okanagan region of British Columbia at the time.

And tears, because of stabbing myself with a chisel (which alone would not likely have brought tears, but a Tammy Wynette song happened to be playing right at that moment).

Diamond Willow Wood Frame 8×10

While working on this 8×10 diamond willow wood frame, I found myself thinking a lot about trees, as I often do, and how there are so many things about the life of a tree that parallel our own human lives.

I wish I had remembered some of them, because at the moment I can’t think of a single one. All I can think about are cookies.

Shop Current Stock or Order Custom Wood Frames

Craigs Unique Frames Home Page